Who said cake or death

So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other.

No, no, no, no, no! And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,. It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs.

And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens?

We live below this hill, all right? It's a festival - it's the spring festival! Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket.

Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas? Forget peace on earth, I don't care. And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. They weren't there going,. Five goold rings! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short. I'll call that the big arms We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fuck's sake!

I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms. Have you got the painting? God Attack The Queen. People come running in from other rooms, singing "Five gold rings! We only like to learn a little bit of a song.

We can't be bothered, yeah. The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle! I don't know! Would you like some furniture? But in Britain we don't win many gold medals at the Olympics… because we've chosen not to! It's a political statement! Because we hate our national anthem. That's one saved fucking queen, I'll tell you!

That's the problem! She's overly saved! She has no idea of the struggle of human existence. We have to work for a living, raise a family… we don't have nannies all running around the place. It's what you've got to do in your life, you know?

So it's "God Save the Queen. It's too saved. It's "God Attack the Queen," that's what it should be! Let them chase after her and rip her knickers off Then she'd have to fight the crazy dog with a handbag with a brick inside of it. And maybe she'd kill the crazy dog and everyone in Britain would go, "Hey, fair play to the Queen,- killed the crazy dog. It would work.

It'd be fantabulous. If the Prime Minister had done something, everyone would go, mumbling sheepishly. But you do sing the national anthem - I've seen you singing the national anthem, and I've worked out how to do it. If you're lost in the middle of it and you're singing the words, becausethe Tannoy systems at big stadiums, you know, it doesn't matter wherever you're singing it.

All that people care about is the look,because there's figures on this. So if you look good and sound good, just up there going, sings gibberish to a few bars of The Star Spangled Banner Big mouth! Oh, yeah, oh yeah! I'm an action transvestite, actually, as well as being an executive transvestite. I'm an action transvestite! So I went snowboarding when I was in Aspen.

Andyou look cool when you snowboard, you just look cool, you know? As long as you're vertical, you're going, "Hey, yes! Skiing, you can be kinda… wobbles about. There's a lot of that stuff, but this is just speeding sounds. So I was looking cool and I was going 50, 60 thousand miles an hour! The police never pull you over. No, I was just going fast, and I fell, and I smashed my head, and But my neck went, "Oh, no.

Oh, no, thank you. So I had to go see a chiropractor in New York, and they're different to osteopaths, chiropractors, because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though I'm gonna crack your bones.

I'm going to crack your bones. All the way up your spine, "Crack your bones, crack your bones, crack your bones. Then they pull a mallet from their belt and they try to make the noise. I live for the noise No, I don't think it's supposed to go around that!

They could havetheir fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom. Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. I don't know how you remove a hymen But yeah.

No, Heimlich maneuver,developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went,. Yes, Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!

I'm you're husband, for fuck's sake! Loosen up, don't be so bloody Prussian. My name is going to be famous in restaurants! I don't think he actually did it that way. I don't think it was snaps fingers a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized. German accent "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball I will now make you breath with the cunning use of It's not really a maneuver at the moment.

It's more of a gesture. As the National Rifle Association says, it's not guns that kill people - it's maneuvers. I'm a film nut as well,complete nut on films. I used to break into film studios; there's a studio called Pinewood Studios near London, and I broke in there when I was And I crept around, creeping, creeping, and hoping that some guy with a big cigar might go,. A creeping kid! For my film, 'The Creeping Kid!

But no, it didn't happen! They were filming tall, angular I didn't have my bag… And my hand up a horse's So yes! But we've got known in Britain for making the smaller films, you know. Films with very fine acting, but the drama is rather sort of subsued and - subsumed or - a word like that. Sub- something or another. You know, just folded in and everything's people opening doors. And you can't eat popcorn to that!

You're going mimes trying to eat popcorn but getting frustratedand sighs. All the time you're in here with the fucking matches! In here with the fucking matches! You're fucking doing and fucking clucking ". You don't talk to me that way! You fuck my wife? That doesn't matter! I say again, you fuck my wife? I am your wife, and I fucked her.

I'm going to drive around town and put babies on spikes. Space monkeys are attacking! With a brick in it! It's the Queen! Don't know who that is We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary war, they play more esoteric characters. They have characters who turn up and go,.

I come from Paris. You know your own history, right? You don't know who he is, do you?! What was it? The Spanish-American War? The French Banana War? The Revolutionary War! Hung out with Washington. Street named after him in New York. Forget it!

The Death Star… just full of British actors opening doors and going,. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Ah, Lord Vader! The Force is strong with you. Look, I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-ttention, all right? Luke, Luke, the Force is strong with you. Yeah, he said the Force was really rather strong with you.

Steve McQueen, action hero; action transvestite, linkup there. The story is based on a true story about 76 British prisoners, I think, who escaped from the prisoner of war camp in Silesia, in Poland. I was in… where was I? I did a gig in Memphis, and this guy came up to me, and it was fucking weird. Donald Pleasance is doing forgeries on bits of tin can with a bit of jam. This is from Poland! Whenever I say something slightly weird, you all mutter.

The British are all down at the train station. No, not London! The British are getting hassled, and Steve is away, and he gets to Switzerland. Remember, Jim Rockford nicks an airplane in that film, and he flies to Switzerland, and he gets about 20 miles away from it in an airplane! Steve is on a fucking motorbike and he gets there! Before him! I dunno! So yeah, all the British are getting hassled, the Gestapo are after them, people are on rowing boats, some on bicycles, one on a rabbit, in a kangaroo, you know, in pogo stick.

Meanwhile, the British are all rounded up and shot in the head! Now what signals is this giving to kids from the different countries, Britain and America? Lived to tell the tale, good on you! All that planning, the logistics, everything, and we get fucking blown away.

And Engelbert Humperdinck! Yes, he was the man. That's not his real name; he's from Britain, but that's not his name. There's very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Gerry Dorsey, not Engelbert Humperdinck. His parents were not Mr. They never said,. And then his managers, obviously, said, "We're going to change your name, Gerry!

It's the name that's the problem. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through. Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! Slut Bunwalla! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle Who we got? Go back one. And it worked!

But he's dead now, you hear that? Yeah, today, on CNN. I heard it as I was just coming out. No, this is what I heard on the telly when I coming out. Yeah, he was L. Something happened. He was in L. No, he was in a car in L. He's fine! He's cooking, he's jumping, he's doing his thing in L.

How do I know? I don't know, I don't know! I think he's got a cold, that's what they said. No, a tan, that's it! But back in the 60s, though, back in the 60s, President Kennedy became the President of the United States of America, and he we went to Berlin, stood on the Berlin wall and he said, "People of Berlin Amy dumped…" No, James Mason playing him I sound a bit like God, don't I?

But I have come to say to you that every free citizen of the world is a citizen of Berlin. And I wish to say to you, 'Ich bin ein Berliner. Trouble is, "Ich bin ein Berliner" means "I am a donut," and This is true, and this is what he said, he said "I am a donut! He said "I am a donut" and they went wild!

Because "Ich bin Berliner" is "I am a Berliner. And it's like going to Frankfurt:. Hamburg - "I am a Hamburger, too! It's American! He's a donut! He's a fucking donut. Fucking donut, a fucking donut, a fucking donut. I think that's what it must mean. Can you perform my maneuver on me, the me maneuver?

He also made a speech about space. President Kennedy said, "By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the Moon. A mystery to physiologists all over the world. More respect, if he had of ran in his heels. Here it is from memory: People are in line to meet the Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper offers each person, Cake or Death … they get to choose. Soon enough, unsurprisingly, he runs out of cake, and all thats left is death.

So, our resuscitation machine is malfunctioning — giving a falsely low heart rate when in fact a patients heart rate is over beats per minute. Maybe or say. In a life threatening heart condition perhaps. Needing a shock? They developed a sword fighting bit, and were slightly less horrible. Eddie faired much better when he went his own way in By the end of the 80s, he was performing regularly in clubs in London, and the years he spent cutting his teeth on stand-up were paying off.

At the end of , he played his last shows at the Comedy Store in London, and performed more and more shows in bigger and better venues all over London, until he took to the stage at the Ambassador Theatre in No, no, no, no, no!

And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? Of course, Eddie had to launch more than his act.

He had to sell himself as a straight, dress wearing man. According to Eddie, he spent years analyzing his cross dressing tendencies. That time of introspection resulted in, of course, a great self-awareness, but also a comfort in his own skin. What he is, above all, is so charming. He is self-deprecating, sometimes gently, sometimes not so much. He is thoughtful and pensive; openly tearing apart and peering into things while his audience watches it is obvious that this man spends way too much time thinking about stuff no one else bothers with.

I AM your wife and I fucked her! Get the tanks out, get the — we haven't got any tanks, then get that ice cream van out there. Get that out there Oh, fuck it — [mimes making and throwing ice cream cones] Just throw everything at them! Orange fruities — Zooms!

Throw the Zooms! Fuck off , you bastards Latin Soldier 1: Front partus elephantine maximum squirrel, upside downus, back to frontus. Back partus, biggus piggus ever seenus. Eddie: So Baby Jesus was there, and then he grew up, grew older, and died. Apostle 1: Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?